It's been two years.
I would like my next words to say something along the lines of my not knowing why I decided to dig up an abandoned blog- especially one that is so full of trivialities and naivete. But I'd be lying. I know why I'm back "here", so to speak; like the proverbial fool who spends a lifetime trying to unbreak what he has broken, trying to repair what can't be fixed. Stupidity. Stupidity then, stupidity now; vanity, desperation, and more than anything else, sadness. I just saw something that broke my heart. And I had nowhere else to turn.
Change is such a funny thing. It scares me, but who doesn't it scare? Anyway, I find change to be especially weird because it defies the laws cause and effect. Typically, events in life can be summarized by "the presence of this will result in the occurance of that", and with observation over a period of time, the effect of something can be noted and eventually predicted in subsequent events. Change, as its own entity, can never be reliably predicted. Change can do one thing while simultaneously doing the exact opposite. Change will unite two kindred spirits- send your way somebody who'd eventually grow to be the cornerstone of your life. But change will, at the same time, pull away somebody who's already begun to drift, continents and oceans further, so that any chance of their return literally evaporates the more you hope, the more you plead. Until it is certain, then, that they will never, ever return to you.
I don't understand how I could have been so reckless. My senses have always been especially keen in assessing this type of risk. And I hate myself for the oversight I've allowed because it's been so god-damn long and I honestly still feel like I'm paying off an emotional bill I will never be able to foot. Ever since two and a half years ago, it's been an ongoing game of trying to convince myself that what happened was only meant to be a lesson for me, albeit one very motherfucking good lesson that sure as hell got its point across. But deep down, the only thing I can think about is how the lesson I learned is so drastically overshadowed by the persistent aching resignation of defeat that it hardly seems worth it. I would do anything to make that ache go away. It never hurts any less; just perched nonchalantly upon the gateway of my memories, real patient, like it's dead set on proving to me that in a staring match spanning all of eternity, I lose.
Never in a million years could I have forseen that by inadvertently sabotaging a friendship, part of me would actually fucking die. That I'd be throwing away something I didn't know I cannot let go of. I guess I'll never be able to either, and I resent that. But I guess that also implies I don't want to. It simply meant too much to me. People spend so much time investing, in everything- in relationships, in commodities, in futures. Sometimes people invest time to the point of pure silliness. So it's only natural that they become attached to whatever should replace the time they relinquish. However, this particular case was different. In this "investment", I got back so much more than I bargained for. I got back so much than I deserved. In fact, I don't think I gave up anything to merit that incredible year of unceasing laughter and unbridled happiness. Unbridled happiness is hard to come by. And maybe that's why, to this day, I still cling to the remnants of that friendship as if my life depends on it, because such an inexplicably beautiful gift befell me at no cost, and even in the silhouette of its loss, it amounts to more than I ever could have wished for.
I don't know if the person this is intended for will ever read it. I don't know if the person will know I'm talking about them if they do. Even more unlikely it would be that they know why I'd bother drudging up a past so long gone. I remember hating you so much, for everything that you were that I wanted to be, and for everything you were that I didn't want to be. I just feel foolish now, because I can't remember why, and all I can remember is that we'd be at school, and we'd be laughing, and we'd be in class, and we'd be laughing, and in the parking lot, laughing, restaurants, laughing, Target, the movies, the car, the park, your house, my house. Always laughing. You really made me happy, and I'm sorry I didn't let you know that before it was too late.
Sometimes beauty is mistaken to be unremarkable at first sight. Only when you turn around to look twice can you appreciate what has passed you by.
I would like my next words to say something along the lines of my not knowing why I decided to dig up an abandoned blog- especially one that is so full of trivialities and naivete. But I'd be lying. I know why I'm back "here", so to speak; like the proverbial fool who spends a lifetime trying to unbreak what he has broken, trying to repair what can't be fixed. Stupidity. Stupidity then, stupidity now; vanity, desperation, and more than anything else, sadness. I just saw something that broke my heart. And I had nowhere else to turn.
Change is such a funny thing. It scares me, but who doesn't it scare? Anyway, I find change to be especially weird because it defies the laws cause and effect. Typically, events in life can be summarized by "the presence of this will result in the occurance of that", and with observation over a period of time, the effect of something can be noted and eventually predicted in subsequent events. Change, as its own entity, can never be reliably predicted. Change can do one thing while simultaneously doing the exact opposite. Change will unite two kindred spirits- send your way somebody who'd eventually grow to be the cornerstone of your life. But change will, at the same time, pull away somebody who's already begun to drift, continents and oceans further, so that any chance of their return literally evaporates the more you hope, the more you plead. Until it is certain, then, that they will never, ever return to you.
I don't understand how I could have been so reckless. My senses have always been especially keen in assessing this type of risk. And I hate myself for the oversight I've allowed because it's been so god-damn long and I honestly still feel like I'm paying off an emotional bill I will never be able to foot. Ever since two and a half years ago, it's been an ongoing game of trying to convince myself that what happened was only meant to be a lesson for me, albeit one very motherfucking good lesson that sure as hell got its point across. But deep down, the only thing I can think about is how the lesson I learned is so drastically overshadowed by the persistent aching resignation of defeat that it hardly seems worth it. I would do anything to make that ache go away. It never hurts any less; just perched nonchalantly upon the gateway of my memories, real patient, like it's dead set on proving to me that in a staring match spanning all of eternity, I lose.
Never in a million years could I have forseen that by inadvertently sabotaging a friendship, part of me would actually fucking die. That I'd be throwing away something I didn't know I cannot let go of. I guess I'll never be able to either, and I resent that. But I guess that also implies I don't want to. It simply meant too much to me. People spend so much time investing, in everything- in relationships, in commodities, in futures. Sometimes people invest time to the point of pure silliness. So it's only natural that they become attached to whatever should replace the time they relinquish. However, this particular case was different. In this "investment", I got back so much more than I bargained for. I got back so much than I deserved. In fact, I don't think I gave up anything to merit that incredible year of unceasing laughter and unbridled happiness. Unbridled happiness is hard to come by. And maybe that's why, to this day, I still cling to the remnants of that friendship as if my life depends on it, because such an inexplicably beautiful gift befell me at no cost, and even in the silhouette of its loss, it amounts to more than I ever could have wished for.
I don't know if the person this is intended for will ever read it. I don't know if the person will know I'm talking about them if they do. Even more unlikely it would be that they know why I'd bother drudging up a past so long gone. I remember hating you so much, for everything that you were that I wanted to be, and for everything you were that I didn't want to be. I just feel foolish now, because I can't remember why, and all I can remember is that we'd be at school, and we'd be laughing, and we'd be in class, and we'd be laughing, and in the parking lot, laughing, restaurants, laughing, Target, the movies, the car, the park, your house, my house. Always laughing. You really made me happy, and I'm sorry I didn't let you know that before it was too late.
Sometimes beauty is mistaken to be unremarkable at first sight. Only when you turn around to look twice can you appreciate what has passed you by.
